| Rap is lame. .__. |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|11:42 am] |
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Hmmm… I dunno about today. Some stupid people over there keep playing rap music very LOUDLY. I hate rap too. xD I just put the last touches on my webpage that we needed. Embedded videos. Not hard at all.. Now, I really have nothing to do. Other than that, I wrote out a bunch of stuff for the play for world history. e.e Like I said I wouldn’t.. I really hate my group. Lol. Uhmm.. I dunno what else to say. Nothing has happened besides that. Oh, I didn’t forget my Zune today. :P And I got a really good sleep last night. I think it was because I stayed up until 11 watching a movie and then passed out. It was fun. I like the new TV in my room. It’s not new.. But yeah. Annnddd… I think that’s about it. I’m going to go now. Buhbyes. |
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| .___. |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|11:26 am] |
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…. e.e …. >.< Gah. I hate guys. Okay... Ish not his fault buh... YES IT IS. Okay... I’m not mad. Just upset. It was supposed to be me holding his hand through the hallway. xD It felt like he was taunting me this morning... Walking by like, twice holding his latest girlfriend’s hand. It just makes me kinda sad. And lonely. *shrugs* Oh well... I’ll get over it. Anyways, I HATE Christmas music. HATEHATEHATE. The bus driver was playing it the whole morning and I forgot my Zune... Again. Dx Now I have to listen to Christmas music every morning that I forget my Zune. And he always plays the radio SO loud. So I have to blast my music to drown it out. :I I have airheads in my pocket. I want one. xD Uhm... I dunno what’s gonna happen with Brent and my mom now. *shrugs* It didn’t seem like he was gonna move out, it actually seemed way too normal last night. I don’t know what to think at the moment. Sometimes, I want him to move out. But sometimes I’m okay with him living there. Like, yesterday was fine... Except for the first part of the morning. When they were screaming. >.< Which reminds me... Grandma told my mom that I want to run away when I’m around screaming... So... Who knows what will happen. ‘Cause... That is true. Except I said that I wanted to run away FROM the screaming, not from home and then die in a hole or something. *shrugs* But if grandma told mom I said that, then she probably told her that I said I was depressed too, so I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m beginning to dislike World History. The teacher put me in a group with four guys. T~T They don’t like to do work. And it sucks, because they expect me to do all of it. I did a couple worksheets by myself already... And I really don’t want to write the play by myself. So they can do it. >~< I never have anything to do in this class and the teacher likes me. I know because she gave me a perfect plus two on my website… And I know it wasn’t that great, some were better than mine and I got a better grade. I always get good grades in this class… *shrugs* It’s a good thing, I guess. I missed 11:11. :I Again. I miss it quite often lately. Oh well. I doubt if my wishes will ever come true. *yawns* I’m tired again. Like usual. Hmm… Oh... I dyed my hair. I can’t remember if I said that or not yesterday. Buh I did. And it’s dark brown. Almost looks black sometimes. I like it. Buh it does look a little odd because I’m not used to it being so dark and hanging in my eyes. *shrugs* Awh well. I’ll get used to it eventually. Codycodycody. I miss you. I wanna talk to you again. I can’t wait to get my laptop so I can hear your voice all the time. ^~^ Alright. That’s all I have for now. See you later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|09:05 pm] |
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Okay. And then yesterday.. I came back home and went on the computer and stuff. And did nothing that I can remember. Today.. Well, this morning I had a two hour late start for school and Mom and Brent got into a huge fight because she didn't tell him where she was going this morning. And then they threatened to call the cops and move out and blahblahblah. Tons of screaming. >.< And of course, I had to be here. It seems pretty much done with now, like nothing ever happened. And when I got home mom and me went to Redwood to go to Walmart. We got James's present. And xbox 360, just like he wanted and a game.. I think it was Liberty City something.. I dunno. And then I got Guitar Hero 5. Me and mom played it for awhile and unlocked like two venues. At first you couldn't even hear the guitar part, so my mom called the place and the lady was all cocky and said she thought that we were just deaf or something.. Buh then I went and turned the volume of the guitar part all the way up.. Then it worked.. So we weren't deaf.. The game was stupid. Lol.Oh.. At school today I found out Gaundy has yet, another girlfriend. I swear he has a new one every week. xD Anyways.. Not that it matters. But.. He asked me and Kristen if he should get his tongue or his lip pierced and I said his tongue. But Kristen said lip, because tongue piercings are gross. Blah.. But anyways he said that his girlfriend said she would never kiss him again if he got his lip done and that she wanted him to get his tongue done for.. Other unmentionable reasons.. And I was like.. EWEWEW. Don't tell me this! xD *laughs* It was stupid really. *shrugs* Oh well.. That's all I have to say for now. Buhbye. |
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| Lahlahlah. |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|01:00 pm] |
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I dun remember if I posted or not this weekend.. I’m guessing I didn’t, so.. I’ll just tell everything that happened. Uhm.. On Thanksgiving, I went to my uncle’s house. It was pretty fun. I brought my Rock Band 2 game and guitar, but it froze. So, we only played for a little bit. I didn’t eat that much… But the pie filled me up. I didn’t wanna eat for like a day after and my joke to mom is “You want some pie?” In a really retarded voice. It’s kinda funny. x] Then I went to Mankato for shopping and stuff on Black Friday. Didn’t really get anything. Oh, I got a card for HotTopic. So, I’m a member now. Then I went to Cristal’s house on Saturday. And we went to see New Moon. It wasn’t too bad. Tons of shirtless guys and stuff, but that was okay. xD The only awkward part was when Edward and Bella were kissing for the last time and they were like, moaning, and Cristal’s mom was with so it was all awkward. And I was all.. *looks around and hums* Bah.. I gotta go. I’ll update with stuff that happened today and yesterday later. |
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| Doodeedoodeedoo. :] |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|11:10 am] |
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Hello there. Hmm.. Today was nothing special, yet anyways. We spent all of world history having a thumb wrestling war basically to kind of re-create the Olympics in some way. It was pretty funny. I didn’t do anything, besides watching though. I just got a sucker. :D I love suckers. I dunno what flavor it is. It’s actually kinda gross. xD So.. Today during the last two hours of school we’re supposedly doing turkey bingo and turkey bowling.. Whatever that means. At least study hall won’t be so boring. But I’d kind of like to go to French.. So I can talk to Gaundy and shizz.. I shoulda saved the sucker for him.. I haven’t given him anything random lately. D: It’s supposed to be a game. xD Uhm.. Christmas.. Presents.. I wanna get Kristen and Gaundy something. But Kristen doesn’t want me to buy her anything. :/ I dunno.. I might just give her candy or something. So I can say I got her something.. Same with Gaundy. Cause I did get him that $10 bracelet. And he ate basically my whole bag of Pixy Stix. o.o I only had like, 10 out of the bag of 160. xD Oh well.. It was cool seeing his happiness. Errmm.. I woke up at like, 12:34. Dx I hate waking up so early. I wanna sleeeeeeep. D; Anyways.. I have to watch presentations and stuff right now so I’m going to miss 11:11. Oh well.. I might update again later, like yesterday. Buhbye for now. ^~^ |
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| Continuing on... |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|05:34 pm] |
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Yes.. The rest of today wasn't too bad.. Found out that I'm a perv.. Nothing new. We were reading a Greek play Oedipus The King or something and we were towards the end where the chorus is saying that the dude was tilling the same field his father had and planting his seed and entering the same place he came from.. Cause he like.. Screwed his mother unknowingly.. And I got it and was making a face or something I guess, before everyone else.. Because then the teacher explained it to the class.. And they were all "Ewww!" And stuff.. And then later the teacher came up to me and she was like.. "You were the first one to get that. I was looking around and you were the first one to make the face. No one else got it until I explained." Then I was like.. o.o Woah.. I must have a sick mind. xD Oh.. At lunch Kristen, Misty, Gaundy, Brittney, and me were talking about piercings and stuff.. And somehow we got onto the topic about how tongue piercings were made for giving the guy more pleasure while giving them head. And then Brittney was like.. "What if it got caught on.." And then we all busted up laughing and stuff. And then we started talking about downstairs piercings. Misty was like.. "I was watching this show on TV and then these two people were having sex and they both had down there pierced and they got stuck together and they had to go to the emergency room like that." And then we all were laughing again. And then I dunno Gaundy was like.. I need to start hanging out with guys. xD Uhm.. Later on in study hall Kristen, Jordan, and me were talking about how my friend Veda looks like Kristen from the side and not from the front, and Jordan didn't hear her and he was like.. "So, she's ugly from the side?" And I just started to laugh and then Kristen was all mad and stuff. It was funny cause when I told Jordan what he said he was like "Oh God, I'm so sorry. I didn't hear you." And then I just started to laugh more. x3 So yeah.. Study hall went by faster than usual. It was nice just talking to those two. :3 No homework again, which is good. I'm thinking about going back to Cedar Mountain next year because Kristen might switch schools.. So I'd really have no one to talk to if I stayed. And I'd kind of like to go back to Cristal. I miss seeing her everyday.So far, I think we're still on to see New Moon on Saturday. It kinda sucks that her mom and sister are going but we'll deal. I probably will get to spend the night. She wants it to be just me and her. ^~^ I can't wait. I don't have school on Thursday or Friday because of Thanksgiving. We're going to my Uncle Boonie's house. Can't wait to see my cousins. :3 And eat mom's pie.. She's making this pumpkin cheesecake thing right now. It smells and looks delicious. xD I can't remember what else I was going to say so I'll just end it here. Buhbyes again. ^^ |
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| Lalala. |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|11:06 am] |
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I seriously hate the radio. Stupid Party in the USA song stuck in my head. All morning, mind you. I would like to blow Miley Cyrus’s brains against the wall. That would be fun. *evil laughter* Well.. I have to show off my presentation to the class today so.. Mhmm.. I’ll talk later. Nothing new has happened anyways since yesterday, except that I woke up at 3:33 again. I’m tired as hell. That’s about it. *yawns and waves* I’ll update again later. Byes. |
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| Back to school.. (again) ._. |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|11:28 am] |
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So yeah.. I'm done with my stuff for this class.. I have been for awhile now. I actually slept the whole night through after I fell asleep at like midnight. It was pretty good. I had a weird dream. I think it was about IMVU. xD I was texting like three people last night before I went to sleep and I was really hyper. I was going crazy. xP It's 11:11 again. I wish that I could talk to Cody. Lulz. I miss him. :o Uhm.. This weekend I made a choice. I don't know if it was a good choice.. And I probably will lose a friend over it too. Veda asked me to hang out with her.. But I said I couldn't. It was a lie and I went to hang out with Cristal before she had to work. We went to Walmart again and tried on high heels. I almost biffed it a couple of times. Let's just say.. High heels are not for me. xDD Yesterday I met a girl named Tyffy. She's really awesome. :D I call her Turtle... She calls me Noodle. ._. x3 Oh well.. She's really adorable. And I like her a lot already. Can't wait to talk to her again today. Annndd.. I met this guy named Shane.. He makes me SUPER hyper. I can't even describe how hyper I got.. Cody knows though. I think I like.. Superglomped him. xD I've been in a better mood today and yesterday than I have been for awhile. Although, I was still really lonely yesterday. That's how I met Turtle and Shane.. Room hopping. xD I also witnessed a guy ask another guy out.. It was squeal-worthy. Sooooo cuteeee. x] Until they started sexing right there in the middle of the room.. Then I was like.. Okay.. *meets Turtle* *talks to her* *she leaves* *I leave and then stalk her* *then I invite her to a private chat* *then we become best friends* xDD Yep. It was pretty awesome. Then she had to go for reals.. So I went to another public room and met Shane. He let me hump him. xDD With my hump dance. It was hilarious. And then we kept changing the colors of the background every five seconds by shouting out a random color. It was really fun. And then Cody came online. :DD But I couldn't stay for too long.. So we just texted until I went to sleep. All and all a pretty okay day, if you count sitting on the computer all day fun. xDD Oh well. I do. I can't wait to get my laptop. Then We shall have tons of fun.. Like this weekend I got to hear Cody's voice again. He sounds more like Gaundy than I thought. Even James said so. It's kinda weird but cool at the same time. :P But yeah.. When (and if) I get a laptop.. It's gonna have a built in mic (hopefully) and a built in camera (hopefully! ._.) so I can talk to Cody all the time. :DD That will be nice. I'm kinda tired of texting. I want to hear his voice. ^~^ Hmm.. I think that's about it for my weekend. Didn't really do anything but sit around and stuffs. The End. Pretty boring, huh? xD Write again sometime. Byebyes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|07:37 pm] |
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Today was really boring. I woke up early. Again. And then fell back asleep after awhile. Still tired in the morning. ._. Was just blah through the first classes. Then for lunch we had NASTY cheese soup or something. I almost gagged. So I just threw it all away and went to sit by Kristen. Then I have to memorize 'To Be, Or Not To Be' for English. ._. I suck at memorizing things. But here is what I have so far.. To be or not to be. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suff the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles. And by opposing, end them. To die. To sleep. No more. And by a sleep to say we end... Okay.. So I even had to cheat on that. But I had it all memorized earlier. e.e Then in French, Gaundy, Kristen, and me just talked. And then study hall was boring. Me and Kristen just talk and such.. Then I went home. And my zune died on the bus. Dx So yeah. It sucked. Then I did nothing. Oh.. Veda texted me. She wanted me to bring her to New Moon. She just randomly texts me.. Probably only because she needs a ride.. And Cristal won't take her. So she wants to like.. Use me. It sucks. :/So much for my best friend right? Well.. I guess I've still got Cristal. |
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| Today. (Again) |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|08:37 pm] |
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After school today was pretty fun. Except that I got yelled at for not cleaning my room. :/ But other than that, I went to Cristal's house. And we went sewing maching shopping! Hiphiphooray! xD It wasn't too bad.. Except that I was half dead from lack of sleep and stuff. Then we were in the shampoo isle just smelling shampoos and stuff trying to pick out one for her and then we FINALLY left, like an hour later. Lol. And went back home to watch the anime movie that we started on Monday. It was okay. No kissing though. Dx It was kind of sad. I like kissing. xD Also we checked out the stuff she bought to stuff her quilt with and while she was walking toward me to fold it up I was like.. "Watch out for the tree!" I meant chair though. ._. Embarrassing but hilarious. Lol. And we giggled some more today. It was funny we were watching part of Naruto before I had to go and we were making fun of how they say Shippuden. We always say Ship-a-den. And they say Ship-poo-den. It's too funny. So we were just saying it over and over and laughing and saying how sexy Sasuke is, even though we hate his guts. :P Then we had pizza. It was very good, I might add.. Oh when we were in Walmart and she asked me if I wanted pizza for supper she kept saying... "Sam, do you want pika?" I was like.. "What's pika?" And she was like.. "You know what pika is. You know.. P-I- Double Z- A." "Ohhh! You mean pizza." "Yeah. Pika." "No.. Pizza, Cristal." Then she looked at me funny and tried to say pizza.. And then she was like.. "Mom.. She says pizza. Not Pika." It was just too funny. xD Then we were just talking about random stuff and how I should come over more and stuff. Which I should. I love her tons. And I miss seeing her everyday. :[ Awh well.. I can't wait till I get to hang out with her and spend the night. Just me and her. ^^ |
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| It's 11:11. ._. |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|11:29 am] |
I wish that I could get over this stupid depression. Well.. That wasn't my real wish. My real wish for every 11:11 that comes around is to be with Cody, forever and always. But that doesn't look like it's going to happen, unfortunately. :| I never realized that I got so jealous. Maybe it's just because it's Cody. The Cody that I'm madly in love with. The Cody that I can't have. Dx Well... He's mine. Just not all of mine. Like I want him to be. I'm just selfish that way. I've found that I don't like group chats with him on IMVU either. ._. I just don't want to share. At all. I'm sorry Cody. Sorry that I got silent.. But I was only doing what you told me to. You told me to shut my mouth. So I did. It was probably really childish. But again.. I'm jealous over anyone when it comes to you. Other people? Not so much. I'm trying really hard to keep the jealousy down, but it doesn't work that way. I hope you understand that. :x I don't wanna lose you over something stupid like this. I want you to be mine forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. Ect.. You get the point. Anyways.. I actually slept a little more last night. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. It could always be that. But I still woke up, just for less time. At about 12:37 when a dog jumped on my bed and I pushed him off and then again at like 3:19 when I stayed up for like 20 minutes. And checked my phone. No new messages. ._. That was kind of depressing. I always like it when somebody sends me random 'Are you still up? :o' messages in the middle of the night. xD Because I usually answer after I wake up at my usual time. e.e It's so annoying. I just want to sleep the whole night through like I used to. Then maybe I'd be fully rested. Uhm.. Today I'm going to Cristal's house again. We're gonna go shopping for a sewing machine. Wewt! I feel like an old lady. xD That and we always gossip to each other and giggle. And watch anime.. And giggle. And talk about hot anime characters.. And giggle some more. I also like to stay up late at night just talking with her.. And don't forget the giggling. x3 I really miss that. I wish we could do it some more. We might even go seen New Moon in two weeks.. Just to see how bad it bombs. Lol. I'm really hungry. I dunno what's for lunch.. I suppose I could look. But I'm too lazy. I have Pixy Stix left and I always give a bunch to Gaundy. He says I'm his drug supplier. xDD Yeah. I should get going now. The teacher is walking around. :P Buhbye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|11:19 am] |
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| | School. | ] |
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| | Breakdown- Seether | ] |
Gah.. I really don't know what's going on anymore. I go to my friend's house for one day.. And my whole world just like crashes. Well.. A part of it anyways. I kind of wonder what is going on in people's heads. Like.. One second.. You're afraid I'm going to leave you? And then you just leave me? It confuses me. I really didn't need that to happen around this time. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like my depression keeps getting worse.. I notice it everyday now.. I can't sleep.. I don't want to do anything anymore.. I want to sleep, but that's it. And I can't even do that. I love reading.. But it just doesn't hold my attention anymore. I'd rather stare off into space. I feel lonely all the time. Even when I'm with my friends or just around people. I feel dead inside. I wonder if people can notice it. The only person that I know is truly there for me, forever and always, is Cody. I'm not going to blame him for what happened. Even if the person said it was ruining our friendship with Cody... It wasn't for me.. It was just fine. Normal, really. But I understand that it wasn't the same for him. Point is.. I'm never going to date a friend of a friend's ever again. Probably no one. I hate it.. I start to fall.. And then there's no one there to catch me. I give up on this. There's just no point. All I do is get hurt. I'll be fine alone. And like I said.. There's always Cody. But it still hurts when he's with another guy. ._. I just wish that he could be mine. I know that he wouldn't hurt me. At least not intentionally.. And I know the other people didn't either. But it's just... I don't know. I just want to go home. I can't even concentrate on what I'm typing. I really hate school. It isn't doing anything for me right now. The homework just stresses me out more. I don't even try to do it anymore. :| Well.. I suppose I should go and do what I'm supposed to be doing for Web Design.. Even though I'm already done. I just don't want the teacher to catch me doing something I'm not supposed to be. I'll probably write later. Bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|11:53 am] |
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Blarg.. Last night Michael's grandma unplugged his phone cord from the wall so.. That ended our conversation. It kinda made me sad. v~v I love talking to him. We talked for a little bit afterwards on IMVU and then he texted me like, once. But now he had to go to the police station to take a lie detector test, and I must say.. His grandma is a bitch. I want to steal him away from everyone and keep him to myself. Maybe he wouldn't be so sad then. Or maybe he would.. Being that I seem to make him cry. TT~TT I do it without even noticing I guess... He doesn't know that I stalk his journal, me thinks. But I do.. Everyday, I look to see what he has to say. I'm just that pathetic.. Or maybe I just like him a lot. I hope it's the latter. What else is there to say? Uhmm.. Cody. I talked to him a little bit last night. He makes me feel better too. I really hope that those two get along.. They don't realize how much it brings me down when they're both upset.. At the same time.. At each other. I love them both.. And it feels like I need to pick between them sometimes. I could never do that. I dun even wanna think about that. ;_; But other than that.. I think there might be a ghost in my room or something. Like.. Last night I was sleeping and then I felt something sit down beside me.. Then I woke up but there was nothing there.. And it did it again when I fell back asleep.. It scared me. D; And I always feel like there's someone watching me when I'm in there. I dunno.. And then there was like scratching on the walls two days ago. It sounded like something was in the wall and trying to eat it's way out. I could hear it's footsteps too. :s It's pretty scary.. And I always end up waking up at around 3-4 am. I dunno why. It kinda sucks. Oh well.. I'm still waiting for Michael to come back. I miss him. :/ But yeah.. I'm done writing for right now. I might write again later with the results about Michael and such. Buhbyes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|10:10 pm] |
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Today.. What can I say about today? At first, it was pretty bad. I was still really depressed from last night. I dunno why. Maybe I was afraid of losing both of the people that I love. I was scared I guess. I needed to be alone and think about stuff. I still didn't have enough time to myself though. I didn't want to talk to anyone. But then I eventually talked to Cody and Michael. I was a little better after that. And then I called Michael. He's cute. I love his voice. It makes me smile. I wanna talk to him all day long.. And then some. I wish he lived by me. I love him. ^~^ |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|11:17 pm] |
Gah.. Today was eventful. Again.. I hate my life. I’m stuck between the two people I love most. So.. I called my boyfriend again today.. Everything was fine. But he started moaning and I told him to stop but I wouldn’t tell him why. It really was because I liked it too much.. But I’d never tell him that. Anyways.. He told Cody. And he got jealous. I dunno why.. But then he closed out of their IMVU chat and told me to tell him not to tell him what was going on. I asked him what was wrong and he’s just like.. It felt like he smashed me in the face.. So I got really quiet and then eventually Michael did too. And then he said he had to go.. So we’re talking on imvu now and then he’s depressed now and I don’t know why.. I think it’s my fault.. I blame myself for this whole mess.. If I just wasn’t here it wouldn’t happen. Cody gets really quiet whenever I talk about Michael.. I kind of wonder why.. Anyways.. So yeah.. They’re both depressed now. And I really don’t know what to do. I just wanna get away from it at the moment, but I know I can’t do that because then I wouldn’t be helping. I need to help them. I love them tons. I can’t even really explain what happened.. I just hope they stay friends so they’re happy.. They’re probably better off with each other. Maybe I should hook them up. I’m destined to be alone anyways. Yeah.. Cody just admitted he was jealous.. Of which of us, I do not know. It doesn’t really matter I guess.. I think I want to just go.. Lay down and forget about everything. I think I’m going to take a break from IMVU and my cell. So I don’t have to deal with this. It’s selfish.. I know.. But.. I can’t stand this. I think Cody’s mad at me.. I swore at him.. It just pisses me off.. He keeps telling me not to be sorry, it’s not my fault.. But it is.. It’s always me. I always end up doing stuff like this. Sorry, Cody.. But I was right.. I’m far from perfection. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2009|08:08 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | rant | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Here. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The sound of typing. | ] |
Wow.. It's been forever since I've been on here.. Never even posted anything interesting. Just read stories.. Tons of great yaoi stories. x3 Anyways.. Today and yesterday were pretty bad.. I don't let people see my emotions during school so I had to hold them all back. For one.. I found out that a friend of mine cuts. I kinda stopped talking after that.. He kept asking me what was wrong. It felt like he truly did care. That was nice.. Until today.. I find out he has a girlfriend. He knew he slipped up.. Cause he kind of stopped halfway through his sentence.. When I stopped smiling. He knows that I still like him.. I'm pretty sure. If that wasn't enough with one of my friends cutting, I find out that another good friend of mine does it too.. And my boyfriend. v.v Which is really not cool.. I don't believe self-harm is the way to go.. There's other things that I think will help. I mean.. They say their life is so bad.. But mine seems pretty bad too.. I don't do it. :/ I dunno maybe theirs is worse or something.. I just wish I could take everyone's problems so they wouldn't have to do that. I know it'd probably kill me.. But it's for their sake.. I love them all. Cody would probably kill me for saying that. Oh well.. It's how I feel. I haven't just written down my feelings before.. It's kind of good to get them all out of my head without complaining to everyone else. *cough*Cody*cough* I just kind of want to give him a break from me.. It seems like he's always dealing with my problems.. I just want him to be happy. My head hurts. Like usual.. I dunno what's wrong with it. I should probably get it checked out.. But I really don't feel like it. School is okay.. I'm always alone though.. It's not that I mind.. But yeah.. Some communication would be nice. At least Misty sits by me at lunch.. I was tired of sitting alone all the time. I feel like people are out to get me. Like.. All the time. Whenever I hear someone laughing, I automatically think it's about me.. I can't help it. The hallways are really crowded.. I still feel alone though. I might as well walk down an empty hallway. At least it'd be easier to maneuver. I see Matt looking at me a lot. Maybe it's because I'm looking at him. But even when I don't try to, I catch him. It's kind of weird. I always get a stupid grin on my face and turn away. I can be pathetic sometimes. Bee says that he won't talk to me anymore if I bring myself down like that. But I can't help it. It's how I think.. I always think about the negative side of things. Even my mom says so.. Like Kristen and some people are going to the warehouse this weekend. I said that I want to go.. But she just kinda laughed. I was serious. Does she not want me to go with or something? It feels like it. Sometimes I wish that I could read people minds. Just to see what they think about me. At other times I'm afraid though.. I always think it's going to be something bad. I just wish that someone could prove me wrong once. My hands are cold. They're always cold when I type a lot. I don't know why. You'd think they'd heat up.. Oh well.. I don't know what else to say but I don't want to stop writing. It's like once I start I can't stop. I miss my other friends from my old school. It feels like we never talk anymore. It'd be nice to just hang out with them for a couple of days. I made some new friends online. Another girl named Amanda. She's really cool. She seems like she cares about me.. I like that. I wish there were more people that did. I know there are some.. And I really appreciate them.. Even if I don't say it much. Oh yeah.. Another thing.. If someone supposedly likes me.. Why do they date someone else? I know they can't stay single forever but.. This one guy said he liked me and like right away started dating someone.. Seriously.. I do not understand people. Well.. Something did come good out of the random parties that me and Merica have. I met Michael. I dunno why.. But I really like him. And for some reason.. I think this is going to last longer than Cody says it will. Dun ask me why.. I'm always negative.. But I just have this feeling.. I hope it lasts long.. I could use a longer relationship. For some reason I feel better when I'm in a relationship. It boosts my self confidence a bit I think. Otherwise I'm all *doom* I'll never find anyone. I'll always be alone. I don't like that feeling. I think about him a lot too.. I dunno why. It's not near as much as I think about Cody but it's still a lot. I was pretty much ready to give up on guys again. I give up on a lot of things but somehow I always go back. And then wish I didn't. Over and over again. My brother hits me. A lot.. I hate it. I wish he'd grow up and stop thinking he's cool for abusing me. He's threatened to kill me more than once.. And not just words. He's wrapped things around my neck and pulled tight.. Also cornered me with a knife. I was actually afraid for my life. I told mom.. But she didn't really do anything. What is she going to do I guess. I could turn him in.. But I don't want to have my whole family resent me. But in reality.. He has a problem. He needs help. I can never say that in front of anyone though.. Because he's always right. He always gets his way in the end. That really needs to stop. It's not because I don't like him.. But he really does act horrible. I think when he grows up that he will hurt people. Probably end up in jail all because he didn't get his way. He needs to learn that not everything will be for him. I can never go against him because mom yells at me. I try to tell him to quit being a jerk but I get accused of being mean. Just because I tell him no.. Like they won't do. They say it's MY fault that he's like this because I don't 'love' him. What is love anyways? Sure I love him.. He's my brother.. I wanna protect him and that and I do.. But man.. He gets on my nerves. More than a normal person does. He just knows how to get under your skin. Like a bug. A very mean bug. One that bites. And then later gives an apology that means nothing and expects you to forgive him. They always take the bait.. But I don't. And then I get yelled at for not accepting his apology. I get yelled at a lot for useless things. I really hate that. Well.. Who wouldn't. But still.. When I go to my dad's house I have to listen to him and his wife yelling about things that really don't matter. They practically bite each others heads off in the argument. Then expect me to choose sides and pick a winner.. Or make the other person understand their point. I hate that too.. It really kills me. Makes me die inside. I sometimes want to injure myself.. Even though I don't believe in it. They just make me want to. They also accuse me of not 'loving' my dad. Mom says I only go up there for the things he buys me. But that's not true. And dad's wife says that I won't open up to them. That's true.. But I don't open up to a lot of people. I close everything in. If they want me to be perfect I have to hide all my bad stuff.. So I become a very quiet and detached person up there. It's not like I try.. But I've been going to my dad's since I was what.. two? Four? I can't even remember.. But it's like it's engraved in me to be that way. Right before he comes it starts. I get quiet.. And then I get yelled at for not speaking loudly. I really can't help it.. Anyways.. They think I won't come up there after I'm 18. And they're right. I don't want to go up there because of their fighting. I don't have a problem with seeing my dad. He can come see me, heck.. I'd even go to family gatherings and such. They don't fight there. I dunno why I can't just say this to my dad. I guess I'm just afraid of hurting someone. I hate hurting people. But I can never win. Someone will always be hurt. And unfortunately.. I always get hurt as well. My mom's boyfriend moved back in with us again. We've been adding on to the house and stuff. My room is really creepy. I dunno why. Anyways.. My house is loud. Always filled with yelling. Again.. I can never get away from it. His daughters are always fighting with each other.. Making their lives at school horrible.. I don't see why they'd have to sabotage each other. It makes me sad. And mom's boyfriend makes mom mad.. It's not good. He should pay her half of what he makes because when they do work, she does a lot of it too. Half if not more than half. I dun see why he can't give her half. Or pay half of the bills just to help out. I guess it's none of my business but I dun like it when mom is mad. Another thing I dun like about him is that he never answers you. It gets pretty annoying. Hmm.. What else is there to talk about.. I think that's pretty much it. I feel a ton better now. My headache even sorta went away. That's really cool. Well.. Whenever I need to rant again I'll write. Buhbye. |
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